Somebody Save Me!
Long name, short story. I wrote this a while back, 1998-ish or so. Its the first complete story I've written. Of course it can use a little
tweaking, after all it was quite a few years ago (I've left everything relatively unedited, so try to read past the mistakes) - but I think the subtle satire style the entire story is written in can be appreciated. I wrote
this story as an outlet for some wild idea I had, and it continued to grow from there, taking no longer than 2 days to complete. It's not your
normal 'hanfic', deviating from the norm of the majority - nauseatingly mushy gushy dramatic stories. This story is based around the
extremely trying life of a young Zac Hanson, who is trying to deal with his brothers and their strange "girlfriends". I'll let you
find out the rest.
"Zachary Walker Hanson, WHERE ARE YOU ?!?!" Diana Hanson shouted from the bottom of the Hanson's stairwell.
At that exact moment, Zac was creeping out of his second floor window so as to not get caught. He jumped to the ground, but missed his target a little. Instead of hitting the soft green grass, he landed in his mom's prized petunia garden.
"Great!!! I can't afford to get into any more trouble today!" He muttered, carefully stepping out of the bed of smashed flowers. He wiped the mud on his shoes on the grass, and started running for the tree house.
"I've gotten in way too much trouble today….enough to last me a century and a half…" he grumbled, as he struggled to open the trapdoor to get inside. It was stuck, so he decided to go in through the window, feet first.
Meanwhile:
"Have you seen Zac?" Diana asked her husband Walker, who was sitting in the kitchen reading the newspaper.
Suddenly, screams were heard coming from the tree house.
"Never mind, I think I know where he is." She said, making a mad dash for the back door.
Inside the tree house:
"You little brat!!!" Screamed Denitra Jones, current crush of Taylor Hanson. "You got the mud on your freaking shoes all over MY NEW DRESS FROM THE GAP!!!"
Taylor twitched uncomfortably in the corner of the tree house where he was sitting. "Calm down, hon…." He said, grabbing Denitra's arm.
"YOU MAKE ME SO MAD!!!" Denitra shouted at the top of her lungs.
"Yeah, Zac, why did you have to go and ruin everything???" Taylor asked, suddenly appearing to be annoyed.
"But I….You…Hey!!! What were you doing up here anyway?" Zac said.
"None of your business." Remarked Denitra. "That's between you and me, right gootchie pie?" She said, turning back to Taylor.
"What a snob!" Zac thought to himself. She had Taylor completely under her spell. Stupid how Taylor could fall for such a stuck up girl.
"Zachary!! Come out of there!!!" Diana Hanson called from the bottom of the tree.
"Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Fathead, but I have to be going now." Zac said, making his way back to the back of the tree house, purposely trailing mud on Denitra's dress. As he jumped down from the back window, screams of anger could be heard coming from the tree house. Zac ran to another secret location just in time to see another couple together….
* * *
"I had such a great time tonight, Isaac." Murmured Carrie Stevenson as Isaac opened the passenger side door of his car to let her out.
"At least Isaac doesn't fall for brats." Zac sighed to himself, as he watched the couple embrace each other. "Gross….I think I'm gonna puke…."
He ran from his hiding spot near the mailbox and ran for the creek behind his house.
"WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE TO BE SO MUSHY?!?!?!?" He screamed, at the banks of the creek. He picked up a rock, threw it madly at the water, and watched it skip three times.
Ever since the "Snob Queen" and Carrie had entered his two brother's lives, he had been totally forgotten and pushed back into the backs of their memories to allow space for the two girls.
Even their music was forgotten and left untouched…nothing had been worked on for at least a month.
Well, it had been worked on, but not collaborated on. Zac had written down ideas for at least ten songs in the past 4 weeks, and despite his desperate attempts to call attention to them, they were ignored.
"Guess I'll end it all now." Zac muttered, preparing to dive head first into the shallow waters of the creek. He made his way up to the top of a large rock and jumped.
Meanwhile:
"When I find Zac I am going to beat his little butt up!!!" Taylor said, walking into his room then slamming the door shut. He noticed Isaac sitting at the window sill, and went to sit next to him.
"He's been getting on my nerves a lot lately!!!" Taylor muttered. "Has he been bothering you a lot too?"
No response.
"Hello???? Isaac? Yo???" Taylor said, waving a hand in front of Isaac's face.
"Isn't she great????" He heard Isaac mumble. He looked out the window to where Isaac's eyes were looking and saw Carrie, standing there, blowing a kiss up to his brother.
"Weird…." Taylor said to himself.
Back at the Creek:
A body slowly floated up to the top of the water face down.
"AM I DEAD YET?" Screamed Zac, lifting his head up from the water. He looked at his surroundings, and sighed. "I guess not." He looked up at the sky and saw the sun beginning to sink below the horizon.
"Maybe I should be getting home now…." Zac said to himself. He thought over it a little bit, and decided the creek was better than home.
"Ohhhh….loving you….is easy cuz you're beautiful." Taylor Hanson heard coming from the rec room. He went upstairs to see what was happening. Up in the rec room, was Isaac, sitting down on the couch and strumming his guitar. He began to sing again. "Oh…loving…you…"
"What the heck are you doing?!?" Taylor asked his brother, tempted to walk up to him and slap his face and get him out of his silly daze.
"It's the song I'm going to sing to Carrie tomorrow night." Isaac said dreamily.
"That's the song from the Burger King commercial with the Cini-Minies in it!!!" Taylor exclaimed.
"But don't you think it expresses my inner emotions for the love of my life?" Isaac said, with watery eyes as he thought of Carrie. He strummed a few notes on his guitar, and was about to begin singing again, when Taylor suddenly clamped his hand over Isaac's mouth. A noise was coming from the window. Suddenly, a hand reached up and grabbed the side of the window sill. A wet Zac Hanson crawled in the room.
"OHMIGOSH!!!" Zac gasped, seeing Isaac with his guitar. "YOU'RE ACTUALLY WORKING ON SOME MUSIC!!!!"
"It's a song for Carrie…." Isaac said with a goofy looking grin on his face. "Wanna hear it?"
"Oh." Zac said, a slight tremor in his voice.
"I think he's drunk." Taylor said to Zac, as Isaac plinked his guitar.
"Tell it to someone who cares." Zac said madly, as he slammed the door to the bedroom shut.
"What's wrong with him?" Taylor thought to himself as he walked down the hall after Zac. He tried to open the door, but found it locked.
"LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" He heard Zac shout from the inside.
"At least let me have the lap top…..I need to talk to Stacey online tonight." He said, peering under the door.
"Who's Stacey?!?!" Zac said, coming up to the door, but not opening it yet. "Another one of your stupid buttheaded crushes?"
"Well….I….I kinda like her." Taylor said.
"TAKE THE STUPID LAP TOP!!!!" Zac yelled, opening the door enough only to deposit the heavy object on his brother's head. Then he slammed it shut.
"I want my real brothers back." Zac said, pulling out his bed. He opened the window and yelled to the starlit night sky…."WHOEVER ABDUCTED MY REAL BROTHERS….I'LL TRADE YOU MY WHOLE LEGO COLLECTION FOR THEM!!!" Then he plopped himself down on his bed, and fell asleep.
* * *
"Hold still, Taylor, hold still!!!!" Diana Hanson said as she applied an ice pack to Taylor's bruised head.
"…and then, after he did that, he slammed the door shut in my face!!!" Taylor said.
"Sounds like we need to have a talk with Zac." Diana remarked. "He's been acting strange lately."
"Why don't you just check him into a mental institution?" Taylor grumbled, as he hooked up his modem to the phone line. "Thanks to him, I have a dent in my lap top, NOT TO MENTION a bruise on my head, AND nowhere to sleep tonight."
"He's locked himself in the bedroom again, huh?" Diana asked, taking the ice pack off of Taylor's head.
"This isn't the first time." Taylor grumbled.
Zac woke up with his hair in a tangled mess. He hadn't dried off after coming in from the creek the night before. His clothes didn't smell too great either.
"Whewww…I need a shower." Zac exclaimed, as he rubbed his eyes. He sleepily made his way to the bathroom, and turned the shower on.
"I think Mr. Sunshine is up." Taylor remarked from the kitchen where he was eating breakfast. " I hear the shower running."
"Ok, then. We'll go up to the room and wait outside the door for him to come out so we can have a talk with him." Walker Hanson said, pouring himself a cup of coffee, and heading up the stairs, with Diana and Taylor close behind.
Zac was just reaching for his towel, when he heard footsteps coming up the stairs.
"They're coming to take me away!!!" He exclaimed, remembering all the events from the day prior. He wrapped the towel around his waist, and tiptoed to the door. Then he cautiously peered underneath.
"Bunny slippers….Mom's feet….brown house slippers….Dad's feet…..Mickey Mouse slippers….Taylor's feet. MICKEY MOUSE SLIPPERS?"
He looked again to be sure. "Yup, that's him alright." He said. Suddenly, the brown house slippers approached and the wearer knocked on the door.
"Zachary, son? Let us in!!!" Walker said, knocking louder.
"Time to hatch an escape plan." Zac said to himself, grabbing some clothes, then throwing them on. But he was too late. The door opened.
"Chopsticks make excellent lock pickers." Diana said, holding a pair.
"We need to talk son." Walker said, sitting down on the bed. "We need to know why you've been acting strangely lately."
"You hit your brother on the head with a lap top…." Diana began.
"He deserved it. He asked for it." Zac thought to himself.
"You stomped on my petunias, you glued Isaac's shoes together, you ran from me when I tried to catch you, you muddied up Denitra's new dress……and all that was in one day!! What are we going to do with you?!?!" She exclaimed.
"If you have a problem……you'd best tell us." Walker commented.
"Well, it's….it's just that…." Zac started, not quite sure how to phrase what he wanted to say. "I….well…they….."
"Yes???" Walker and Diana asked anxiously.
"It's like this. Ever since Isaac and Taylor have had girlfriends….well actually, only Isaac has a girlfriend, Taylor just has tons of crushes….." Zac said, "…I've been feeling kind of…..left out….unwanted….forgotten."
Zac smiled, feeling good that he had unloaded that heavy burden. "Well, I'll see you around." He said, casually walking to the door.
"Wait a minute." Diana said, "You feel…….unloved?"
"Well…..I guess you could put it that way…." Zac stuttered.
"I know just what to do!!!" Diana said, with a smile on her face. "You should go on a date!!!"
Zac's eyes nearly popped out of his skull. "WHAT?!?! NO!!! That's not what I meant…."
But Diana didn't listen. "I know the perfect girl for you!!! She's one of my old college friend's daughters…."
"Sometimes a man needs somebody to look out for him….to care for him…….sometimes a man needs a woman!!!" Walker Hanson said, standing up with a proud look on his face.
"What do you mean? Men need women all the time!!!" Diana exclaimed. "Without us, there would be no men!!!"
"Hey, sorry, man. I should have known you would have wanted a girlfriend too." Taylor said, patting the dumbfounded Zac on the back. "I could have introduced you to Denitra's younger sister Kallie!"
"Don't you think a date with a young girl his age is a great way for him to feel loved again?" Diana exclaimed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Zac screamed. This is not what he had wanted at all.
"See? He's excited already!" Diana cooed.
Zac felt like he was going to be sick.
* * *
"It's all set up, Zac! You'll be going on a double date with Taylor and Stacey! Your date for tonight's name is Elise McClainey!!!" Diana Hanson said to her son who was sitting at the kitchen table, looking sadly down into his oatmeal. "My son is growing up!!!" She squealed, hugging Zac tightly. Zac rolled his eyes. The last thing he needed was for his mom to play matchmaker for him. "Now, now!!! I know you're too excited to eat, but you have to finish up your oatmeal before you can do anything else, ok?"
She made her way up the stairs, with Zac waiting a minute to make sure she was really gone.
Then he did what he did every oatmeal morning. "Wickit…..come here Wickit!!!" Zac called out to his shih-tzu. She came curiously. Zac cautiously placed the bowl on the floor, and Wickit sniffed it carefully, then started whining.
"You don't want it, do you." Zac sighed, and picked up the bowl of the cold, sniffed, tasteless sludge.
"Maybe if I put food coloring in it, it'll pass for barf." He thought. But that would be going to too much trouble. No one was looking, so he poured it all down the drain.
"Zac, cover dishes for me today, will ya? I'm going to take Carrie to the mall." Isaac said, as he stomped down the stairs. "Oh, by the way………I accidentally stepped on your Athenaeum CD. Sorry!" He ran out the backdoor, and jumped in the car to "woo" his "sweetheart".
"This day couldn't get any worse." Zac said, banging his head on the counter top.
"Hey, Zac! I've made reservations for Greystone for our double date tonight!!!" Taylor said, coming down the stairs in the same fashion as Isaac did.
"You mean that grown-up formal place?!? Where you have to wear a tie and dinner jacket to get in?!?!?" Zac squeaked, hoping there were two GreyStones………maybe this was GreyStone the burger joint……
"Yup!" Taylor said. "I wanted to make it special."
"But you can't even drive!!!" Zac pointed out, trying to find a way out of the whole ordeal.
"Dad's driving us." Taylor said. "Dad's in on this too?!?!" Zac asked, feeling a really big headache coming on. "How are we going to pay for all of this?!? Why can't we go to a burger joint……or somewhere cool like……..The Outback?"
"It's not 'special' enough."
"CiCi's?"
"Family Restaurant. Too many kids."
"Chelino's?"
"Too far."
"MacDonalds?"
Taylor gave his brother a funny look. "I thought you hated MacDonalds."
"Please please please…….anywhere but GreyStone!!!" Zac begged, getting down on the floor and grabbing Taylor's feet.
"Fine then. Here's a deal. You find somewhere special enough, but good enough for your low standards…….." Taylor began, "….and I'll cancel the reservations. But the rest of the night is planned by me."
"Deal!!!" Zac yelled. "Deal deal deal!!!" He grabbed the phonebook, and ran to the den to call the 'special place' he had in mind, to make 'reservations' and see how late they were open.
"978-1423." He said to himself. "Hello, Captain Herman's Burger Shack? I was wondering how late you'd be open……."
5 minutes later…….
"So, did you make reservations? How late are they open?" Taylor asked, as Zac came back downstairs to do the dishes.
"24 hours a day!!!" Zac grinned.
"Well that excludes the Rib Shack, Apple Woods, and Jamil's…..they're only open until 10 pm…..that also excludes Burger King, Taco Bell and MacDonald's……those are only open until 3 am…….." Taylor reasoned out. Suddenly he frowned as a thought came to mind. "You couldn't possibly mean……no!!!!"
"A deal's a deal!!!" Zac snickered. "Hand me the Cascade, will ya?"
:ON TO PART TWO!:
Do let me know what you think about the story!
